Friday, 13 January 2017


When you're expecting, or become a new parent people tell you to "sleep now while you can" "cherish every moment" and the good ole "they grow so fast". Well yes, I would've slept if I didn't pee all the way through the night due to my bladder being squeezed. Or if my baby didn't cry at any little thing. Or perhaps if someone would babysit just ONCE so I could see how my baby has grown instead of missing it before my eyes. However, there are things they don't tell you. Here's what to really expect.
1. Your baby looks a bit like an alien when they're first born. Its due to swelling on their bodies for going through labour, they're puffy. They get cuter I swear. I love my baby, but I was scared for a minute.

2. The after pain. No one tells you how hard it is after. I went through natural birthing and I still found it hard to bend or pee for around 6 weeks. Oh and when you go to have a number two, it might feel like everything is falling out. That's normal. As weird as it sounds..

3. There's a marching army about to come through your door. We didn't have a day to ourselves during R's paternity because of family and friends coming round. Don't be afraid to say no to visitors. I went to sleep while R's family visited and didn't realise. Nor did I care at the time it was well worth it.

4. Loneliness comes around real quick. Once the whole celebration period is over, no one bothers you. It can get quiet real quick. Try and keep yourself busy or find other mums to talk to, even if it's just instagram interaction. Don't be afraid to reach out to people as I did. I thought everyone wouldn't want to talk to me ever again, that was stupid. 

5. You doubt yourself as a mother. It happens. You are the best possible mother that you can possibly be to your child. Mum guilt can be difficult to deal with but you know if you're trying your best, you can't do any more. Try not to stress yourself.

6. People will try and shove their opinions down your throat. What they did, what they think you should do, tell you what you're doing right or wrong. They tell you that you're making a mistake. Ignore it. Seriously. You know what's best.

7. Breastfeeding vs. Bottlefeeding. Vs. Expressing. Vs. Combination feeding. There's a whole massive community who will support all mothers. There are also those who will try to tear you down and tell you that this is better than that. Fed is best. No matter what.

8. You won't have a nice relaxing bath or shower ever again. You'll forever be thinking of chores around the house, humming childrens tv theme tunes and hearing a crying baby in the background that your partner or friend is trying to coax to have a nap.

9. Creeping around the house is a new thing. You enter ninja style modes to be able to get anything done while the babe is napping. Even if they sleep through a raving club, you'll still creep around. It's like they have a parent radar attached and automatically wake up.

10. Laundry. Until your child moves out, expect bucket loads of laundry to pile up every day. With the amount they dribble, spill food, spit milk out, have poo explosions it really does pile up. I'm just glad she has an extensive wardrobe! It's endless.

11. You'll actually feel accomplished and proud when you've done the dishes. It's the small things.

12. You'll know every theme tune and song from all the cartoons and you'll even sing them in your sleep. I can't remember the last time I listened to music I liked. 

13. Speaking of cartoons. WARNING. Peppa Pig is a brat. Paw Patrol save the same people from doing stupid crap every day and wait for it, Blaze and the Monster Machines always win the race. There's no escape. Try to avoid any of these in return. Then again, we get 5 minutes peace when In the Night Garden is on.

14. Poo explosions are as bad as they sound. Poo gets everywhere from their clothes to their head to your clothes, all over your rug. Wipes will be your best friend.

15. We all make promises when we are pregnant. For instance I said I'd never let Imogen watch tv. Well that didn't last long consindering it was the only thing that would stop her screaming after 4 hours of bouncing, singing, dancing and everything in between. 

16. No one tells you how long it takes for things to get back more towards a normal routine. That's because you'll never live it the same way again. I'm still waiting for a lie in past 9 am. 

17. Hot coffee or tea? Keep dreaming. Really. Keep dreaming. 

18. If you use dummies keep them on a leash. They go missing quicker than socks. 

19. No one told me how silly I would look in public using my baby voice and pulling faces with silly voices. 

20. Or how many people will stop to talk to you about your baby and every little detail about your life. Then proceed to tell you theirs. I've had a lady tell me Imogen was fat. Seriously. I had to bite  my tongue really hard that day. Didn't help I was in a full lift people and no one that actually needed it. 

21. Oh yeah, they pinch and grab your baby too. Seriously. Strangers beware!! 

22. Babies cry. We know that. But babies cry all day and it can stress you out and then you may feel guilty. No one warned me of that. 

23. You'll get dirty looks no matter what. Old people or young people. Especially if you're on your own. And if your baby pukes everywhere in Boots, you'll get a lot of disgusted faces and you might just panick cry running out of the shop with your newborn. 

24. Even if you used to be 20 minutes early to everything. You will forever be late to everything from now on. Always be super prepared if you plan on going somewhere. 

25. Your social life days will dwindle but if you drink alcohol, it means that you'll now be a cheap date! Bring on the wine! 

26. Your babe will be loud especially when you need them to be quiet. Public transport is a game of trying to get them to nap before everyone stares. 

27. Having 5 minutes to yourself to reply to someone on Facebook is generally around the only time you will reply before nodding off to sleep. 

28. Bathrooms will never be safe again. You'll be taking the baby with you and playing a game of balance the baby on your lap while you try and do your thing.

29. Baby blues can hit hard. Some people skip it, and some people get over it after a few weeks. I personally sank into a deep depression. It can happen. Your life is being flipped upside down. Speak to someone. I urge you if it happens to you. 

30. People told me that babies grow out of clothes quickly, well yes and no. I bought only 0-3 and 3-6 clothes in the beginning thinking I was having a 10 pound baby. She was 6 pounds and 7 ounces and not even newborn clothes fit her that we had to run to a store to get. She's now nearly 8 months and still in 3-6 months clothes. All shops have different measurements just a warning. 

31. Honestly, you can buy every gadget in the world, but half of them wont get used. Don't stress about not getting the perfect bouncer or baby swing, they only last a couple of months max. Same with a moses basket, Imogen was in her cot at 2 months due to length! 

32. Teething is the worst thing known to man. I'd rather have a 6 day hangover. Poor little lambs either aren't fazed or it really runs them down and there's nothing we can do to completely stop it. 

33. Finding a babysitter is harder than you think. Sure, grandparents, aunts and uncles and everyone will chip in but when babies are having bad days only a mummy or daddy can handle, it's hard to get someone to child mind. We've yet to have an actual date since having Imogen, but we're making it a thing that we have at least one a month, even if it's just a trip to the local cinema and straight back. 

34. Not all babies like baths. From day one we had a screamer who would refuse to have baths and make you feel horrible for putting them through it. After trial and tribulation I had baths with her and she started to enjoy them. Lots of smiles, sing songs and cooing helps. 

35. You find out who some of your friends are. Not everyone will talk to you as much as they did, but some won't talk to you at all. It's just life. 

36. I thought I knew about how tired I could actually be, I used to work 20 hour shifts with no breaks, I did all nighters all the way through uni in the library. Nope, times it by 20. It really is tiring. It WILL get easier. 

37. Not all kids sleep through the night. We're just under the 8 month mark, and we're still having to get up twice in the night. 

38. Gross but true, you realise that your underwear is actually older than your child. 

39. There's a secret parenting group you'll become a part of. It's the nodding, and understanding smiles group. Your baby's screaming in public? Smile - I feel your pain. Your baby has been sick everywhere? Smile - I understand. Your baby is trying to escape the pram when you're putting them into it? Nod - Yeah we've been there. 

40. People told me that things get easier. Yeah, things will get easier but they learn to crawl and talk and things get harder again. It's not an easy ride, but it is worth every little second. 

Above all, no one can really tell you what to expect. It's different in everyone's own circumstances and these are just what I've come across. It's hard, it's tiring, and you might drive yourself nuts. My advice is, go on walks even if it's around the houses. Take things each day as they come, because your baby is unpredictable. And take a lot of pictures. Like, lots lots lots.

I hope you all see the light heartedness in this, and if you're reading this and you're expecting, congratulations and good luck to your own little monster. 

Until next time,