Thursday, 25 May 2017

12 MONTHS LATER: BABY AND ME UPDATE AND REFLECTION


It has been over a full year now that I have been a mother. I've had more sleepless nights in the past year than I have in all my three years at university combined. There has been the good bad and the ugly with not just myself, my daughter, my relationship with my partner as well as my family and friends. It's been one heck of a year and I want to share with you realistically what a first year with a newborn baby is like. 

As many of you who read my blog will know, I'm not one for doing things by the book. I'm not really one to take other people's advice especially when it comes to my families old school ways. I've just done what I found was best for us and our daughter and yeah she tantrums when she's alone with me at home but is the most pleasant baby in front of others. I've learnt pretty quickly that Imogen will have her paddys with me, as most mothers will know, because they know we will always go back to them. It's like a trust game they play almost. But enough with that I want to start from the beginning, just not quite when the dinosaurs roamed the earth however! 

When I first found out that I was pregnant I panicked. I didn't know what to do, I was scared of everyone's reaction and my own as I didn't know what I really wanted. I mean no one is ever really ready for a baby are they?! After telling my family and everyone coming to terms with it I then realised I was scared. I was frightened of my entire future more than I would ever know but I plodded along and I found that after around 20 weeks I started to enjoy my pregnancy. I was excited to meet the little what we called Moomin. 

Fast forward to when she was born. I remember when I first saw her. This purpely coloured tiny human that was crying on my chest. I didn't feel a wave of emotion of love. I felt relieved.  During my labour her breathing was slowing down and I was scared that she wouldn't make it. Believe me as soon as they said that I pushed until thought I would pass out. I felt ashamed that I didn't feel an undeniable amount of love for her. I looked to my partner and my mother by my side while they took turns to hold and feed her and I still don't understand the feeling I felt. It wasn't love or pride. It was something along the lines of pure happiness but in a way I never felt before. I just felt ashamed that I didn't feel a bond towards her like it felt like I was with a stranger. Maybe it was because I was naïve and really didn't know even how to hold a baby. 

Over the first couple of months I suffered serious postnatal depression. I would cry every day on and off and during that time my partner lost his job. It was a shitty place to be stuck in, but it helped me to recover back to almost normal. The baby blues is real. I would cry about not enough sleep, cry for not having my own space, cry because no one took pictures of me when she was tiny. It's still hard to ask my boyfriend to take candid photos because it's not the way he thinks. I wrote all about my PND at the mum club which you can read hereIn the mean time while I was suffering I got to see my little baby grow into this toddler and become an amazing little girl and it's made me proud. I still struggle now. I want to work but it's not worth it for us. I miss my friends but I've come to realise they haven't ditched me and in reality they're only a phone call away and I missed time with my boyfriend. We've had maybe 3 dates in a year because no one will look after her because of how mardy she can be when one to one. It's been tough. I'm not going to sugar coat it because that won't help anyone. It's probably not what you want to hear. It was a vicious cycle but it's been worth it. 

I mean this year my daughter has learnt to smile, laugh, hold her head, roll over, crawl, took her first steps, can hold her own bottle, can say mama and dada, sit herself up, pull herself up and walk along furniture and a million more things. She's incredible. And I've been the one to help teach her how to do these things. She loves books and watching football on the tv, and I can't wait to get her into Disney and take her to her first festival. 

Since my last update if you have been keeping up with our monthly progression we have some new things to share. Imogen can now stand on her own, has started taking her first steps, is trying to say more words and is getting her 3rd 4th 5th and 6th tooth all at once. It explains the restless nights and wanting to be soothed by her mummy. She will be up all night one night and sleep through the next. You can imagine my bags, they're gonna claim for whiplash soon I swear! After having a toothache spell (wisdom teeth) I understand the pain she must be going through. So another episode of In The Night Garden and more teething gel as those teeth push their way through. She offers me her things, and says tah and when I ask she will give me things back. 

Honestly it's been a whirlwind. There's no other way to describe it. I've been happy, sad, confused, angry and beyond tired but I wouldn't change a single day of it. Me and my partner argue over silly things when we never argued not even once pre-baby. That's just us though. A baby is a huge deal and we are proud parents to our beautiful little bean.

Until next time, 


1 comments:

  1. Lisa, Imogen is such a massive credit to you, she is beautiful and clever and wonderful and you're amazing! Things get so hard don't they, these toddlers like to test us to almost breaking point then they come and give us a hug or do something sweet and the love rushes back haha! I'm here for you lovely, if ever you're having a difficult day (I had one yesterday, so damn frustrating especially in work ugh!) You want to go for a walk & clear your head or brew at Costa, or you want to go for a date with R, I'll help as much as I can lovely. It's tough but you'll get through it I promise! I'm here to help you aa im sure lots and lots of people are. Love you 😘 xx

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